“why follow your dreams when you can follow me?”

Sully – 2022

Shef the Gourmet Chef

                Shef is a squat, short looking man. He has no hair, because a large, mushroom shaped hat is always on his head. It seems attached there. His burly arms remain limp at his side, almost dragging on the floor, like the purple minion from Despicable Me. Shef could take goblet of water and turn it into a five-course meal, complete with three desserts.

                Like all the other famous chefs, Shef lives in Paris, France. He owns a small, hutlike shop right in under the Eiffel Tower. Shef’s graduation certificate from the ‘Culinary School for Idiots Who Can’t Cook’ hangs proudly on the front door of his hut. Most of the people who even think about buying a meal make a U-turn when they read what the graduation plaque says.

                Shef always has a hard time getting customers to buy his famed ‘Ouy de Vouy’, a gourmet meal, made of just beans and relish. Shef absolutely adores beans and relish. Every single meal he cooks incorporates the two ingredients together. You want plain old water? Pfft, yeah right. Shef will blend together some beans and relish, put it into the glass, and call it ’Eau delicieuse’, or ‘Delicious Water’ in French.  

                One cloudy day, Shef is squatting inside of his hut, chanting like a disturbed monkey around a bubbling pot of congealing brownish liquid. The four windows on the walls are open, so the bewildered tourist can stare inside. Shef calls it an ‘inside look to my gourmet meals!’ Torches line the outside of the hut, which cast eerie shadows outside. One foolish young boy points a finger at Shef and laughs. “Look mommy! The ugly man is making food!” Shef stops his chanting and glares at the boy. Suddenly, a lightbulb clicks into place in his head. Shef’s grim face breaks into a gleeful grin, and he staggers outside. “You want a taste of my new gourmet meal?” he asks, holding a ladle full of the clotted liquid. The boy stares down into the wooden ladle, and sniffs. “Is it hot chocolate? I want hot chocolate!” The boy snatches the ladle greedily, and slurps down the ladle’s contents. Immediately, he falls to the ground, holding his stomach. “Ugh! It’s horrible! Ahh!” Shef grabs the boy around the waist before his mom can reach down to help. “Looks like another ingredient for my Hot Choc!” He cackles. The squat man scurries back into his hut, and slowly submerges the poor young chap into his pot of Hot Choc. The boy disappears with a bubble, now one with the Hot Choc.

                An hour later, after Shef’s Hot Choc has finished cooling, he starts pouring out jugs of Hot Choc. “Free hot chocolate!” Shef calls out in a gravely voice. Swarms of people start crowding around the little shack and collapsing to the ground as soon as the liquid touches their lips. Shef discards the bodies into his pot of half full Hot Choc, where the bodies simmer for a minute, and then disappear. Shef’s Hot Choc is a success.

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